Another round Mister…

I think it has been… ummmm, at least 2 full months without medications?? Maybe longer. So just a quick report to see where I am at:

Counting backwards? Check!
ABC’s backwards? Well…. Close but who can do that anyways!
Crying spells? VERY minimal and then only right about a week before my period (yes, I track them! I was curious to see if there is a pattern and there is. )
Fits of rage? 1 … only 1 and it was more like a “fly off the handle” episode; very different than what I used to experience. Before, I could feel the uncontrolled red hot pain knife through my entire body and I could not control it. Afterwards, there would always be a come-down, and then the depression would dig deeply at me for a few days or longer. It was truly like a carnival ride, huge peaks, and evenly bigger drops. This one was short lived… like a cake walk in comparison. I got mad, and I got over it. Done, end of story. So really, I feel like I’ve been doing EXTREMELY well considering everything, especially considering everything.

Let me fill you in on the latest episode of “As the Dirt Spins…” To bring you up to speed, I have been looking for a job. I applied for a few positions through a temp agency and even though I asked them to NOT contact my current employer… they did. So my boss asks me if there is something we should talk about and I tell her I’ve been searching for either another part time job for extra cash or if the right job comes along, something full time. Well… she spooked and hired someone to replace me the next day. YEAH FOR ME! So I’ve been training my replacement all this week… The kicker being that I never actually put in a notice… and never had any real offers for a position! So it’s been a teeny tiny itty bit uncomfortable around the office these few weeks. I have been interviewing and yesterday I received an offer for a full time position to start in July 20th, under the circumstances, of course I accepted but I really have my eye on a position that I do a second interview for tomorrow. It’s with a non-profit doing EXACTLY what I have been doing over the last 2 and half years. Say pay rate, more hours but still not a full 40 hours (which is fine really, I just want more hours than I have been getting, which is about 25 a week and some frigging paid holidays!) So anywho, I will try to wow um at the second interview tomorrow. EVERYONE, think good thoughts for me!

To add just a bit more madness to my world, my Husbands ex wife asked to move my step daughter to the West coast at the end of July. Joshua asked me what I thought and I told him he had to make that decision all alone, even though I wanted to jump up and down and scream “Are to fucking nuts??!?! It’s your daughter you ass, don’t let her go like that! Grow some balls and so NO!” But I digress, I didn’t rant or nag. I only smiled and shook my head saying, “You are her father, and you have to decide what’s right.” My daughters Mother called a few nights ago and asked him if he had made a decision and… He told her No.. No, he was not willing to let Syd go. He told her that he wanted desperately to be there for every part of Syd’s life and that if she moved, he would then become the “Holiday and Summer Dad” a role he was not willing to play. I could have almost kissed him! Almost… sigh. But I am very grateful that he chose to make Syd stay and that he wanted to be part of her life. So you see, it’s been a roller coaster.

The only thing that hasn’t been crazy is my sex life. But that’s material for another post sometime soon. PID

 

Quick poll for everyone!

 

Happy Antiversary!

I’ll just come right out and say it… My marriage is a piece of shit, a scam, a farce, etc. ad nausea. We all know this.. everyone but my husband.

I sat there having my cherished Friday coffee, watching the dogs and the kids roll around in the grass, sipping carefully and staring out at the pavement already reflecting the days heat. I mused to myself, “What stupid idiot of a person can’t tell when another human being instantly shrinks from personal existance when they walk into a room, that they can’t stand to be around them?” I know I am not that good of an actress, as much as I “hmm” and “haaa” around, he has to be one blind fool to not see what is so plainly written on the wall.

Hell, I guess I need to splash it up with some vivid neon colors to make it real obvious! Something along the lines of  (ring, ring… “Um Hello?… ” hubby’s voice saying “Happy Anniversary!” Wifeys voice saying “I’m sleeping, do you mind?” Hubbbys disappointed voice “Oh, well I forgot to tell you before I left this morning…” Wifeys voice “Ok, I’ll see you tonight… ” Bright enough for you?Clear as a fucking whistle!

Perhaps it needs some special sounds, a ding or two to really alert him and everyone else in the vicinity…

Ring, ring … eye roll… push button that stops the sound…Ding dong… voice message.. sigh as I sip more coffee….

Ring, ring…  killer eye roll again (I should watch that, my mom always told me I’d get stuck like that someday) Wifeys voice “Is someone dead?” Hubby’s voice “Um… no? I was calling…” Wifeys voice “You know I’m having coffee… ” Hubbys voice “I just wanted to ask you… ” Wifeys voice “Just text it to me, you are breaking up..”  *** click!*** Slow evil smile spreads on wifeys lips.

You see! All types of dings and whistle and bonks and beeps! Its like a Willy Wonka CANDY FACTORY! How, tell me… How the hell can someone ignore that?

I know, I know… You will all ask, “Why then are you still with him? If you hate him so much? If he drizes you to the point of being cruel… Why the hell are you still with him?”

 Because, I’m scared.

1) I’m scared of not being able to pay the bills.  Luckily, I had another company that I interviewed with yesterday and I REALLY like them :) I still havn’t heard from the company I did a “working” interview with but I did get a second interview with these other people I met yesterday. One fear almost down!

2) I am afraid to hurt the kids… Blah, blah…. Everyone always says “the kids are worse off in an environment where the parents are unhappy” Well, everyone! I’m wishy washy, who says I’ll be happier alone. For that matter, who says my kids aren’t oblivious to the whole thing? Hubby and I don’t argue around them, we aren’t  “throw things around and scream” kinda people. Let me diverge a moment here…

Recently, at the wedding of my cousins, I was feeling rather… ummm… disapppointed with my own marriage. I walked out to the car to have a good cry by myself and my son thought it would be a good thing to follow me. With such a serious look, he says “Do you need to talk about it or do you just want a hug?” and then he sits quietly beside me and waits for my answer. (BTW, I have to say… what an outstanding, incredible person he is! I am amazed daily that I have raised this child to be somewhat who he is!) He’s old enough, and I have always tried to be open with him so I say “You know, I’m just sad because I see how happy J and D are, it makes me upset because Josh and I fight and we aren’t very happy most of the time…. and yes please, a hug would be good (insert soggy smile here).” He hugs me and says “We aren’t gonna have to move Syd and Josh out are we?  That sucked before…” (reminder for those tuning in late, I started writing this blog after  Josh and I moved back in together, I started writing here because he was reading my paper journal and I needed a place to “dump”. I figured, if my privacy was gonna be invaded, it might as well be publically invaded!) I turned to my son and said “Honey, I don’t really know what will happen, I wish I knew.”

This one comment from Dryden was enough that I stopped in my tracks. I have to ask myself what will be best for him and for Syd. Are they going to be better off if we divorce? The selfish part of me says they don’t really get a choice in this matter, that it is up to both Joshua and I individually to make the decision to stay together. As you can guess, that comment from my son did not help me feel any better about the direction this is all going. But lets get back on track now…

3) I’m afraid of the hate that will be directed at me from those that I will hurt because of leaving… No, all the counseling in the world didn’t change that… the guilty feelings of being responsible for everyone elses happiness. And I mean EVERYONES  happiness.. Josh’s included. His mom’s. Sydney’s. Our mutual friends, our extended family.

4) I’m concerned about how uncomfortable things will be. Yes, “Christian Springs” has a rather large population and covers more area than Denver, but it is a small world here, especially with the types of people that I gravitate towards.The neo-urban hippy crowd, the down-towners, the tree-hugging eco-yuppies. This community of people are close knit and I have very few friends that are divorced, strange in todays age I know. I know one person, ONE!, who is divorced, every one else is having kids right now… Well I guess I’ll have to be trendy and be the first!  Give um all a few years with dirty diapers and screaming fits, lets see how long they can all hold it together!

Really, I wish them all the best, I do! It’s just hard to be optimistic when you feel so TRAPPED! Trapped by your own fears, trapped by the shear oblivion of the one person who should know you best. A friend of mine has a little quote on her profile that says “One should not marry the one whom they can live with, but instead, marry the one whom you cannot live without.” Every time I think of that quote, I die a little more inside, I wither and recess and shrink further down, knowing that I avoid the eventual day of my antiversary… The day that I am finally divorced.

Happy 4th Anniversary Sweety Honey pie!

 

A brief explanation of BDSM

I had a man ask me about BDSM And here’s what we spoke about.

Me: Sooo… what do you think of BDSM?

Him: I’ve never done anything like that before. Not sure if I’d like it or not.

This may sound stupid, but I’ve always wondered.  Is there any sex involved?  I mean, it seems like it’s all role play..submission/domination, but do you ever get to have sex?  Or is the role play the whole turn-on?

Me: Well… I guess it depends on who is doing the playing, if there is sex or not. In a way, it is all foreplay. Some Dommes (female dominants) will not have sex, some will. Most male Doms have sex with their submissives. Professionals usually don’t for obvious reasons, when there is payment for “services”, its too easy to call it prostitution.

 

In a regular session, when its just for fun, then alot of times, yes there is sex. There are all types of play, from very mild (tieing wrists to a head board with silky scarves) to extremely hardcore (body suspension, CBT (cock and ball torture) and blood play (with needles, knives etc.). I fall much closer to mild when all is said and done. I like to tease and deny, restrain people, use toys, and some spanking with equipment. And yes, I enjoy mixing in sex as well because its a turn on… with the right person anyways. If I’m spanking some fat, old, smelly guy… it doesn’t do anything for me so I’m not going to want to fuck. If I have some hot, hard man on his knees, hands tied behind his back, then I’m more likely to want to fuck him.

 

Most of the guys who want to be “topped” by a woman are in positions of great power at work and home. Imagine how it feels to get tipsy… a person is able to let go and relax when they’ve had something to drink. Well, with these “high power” men, they do not get the opportunity to “let go”, its almost as if they can’t do it, so they need, or crave is a better word, they crave to be “made” to let go, to be “forced” to give up control. Thus, a Dominatrix fills that need. In those cases, it is generally not about sex… but keep in mind that pain and pleasure both release similar endorphins. Each person is unique in the amount of pain (or pleasure) they need to get “high”. In the end, BDSM is more about the chemical release than the physical release if that makes sense.

and remember…. there are no stupid questions :) lol

Him: Wow. That’s probably the best description I”ve ever heard of it. Makes it very clear for someone who has no clue. Thanks.

 

3rd times a charm?

Tomorrow is “the day”. The day when I work for a day at a cpa firm that I’ve been interviewing with. I’m very excited, and I mean VERY excited. I want this job, I need this job…. this job will let me break away, its been too long in coming. I’m finally NOT so scared, so paralized. I can move now, my arms are no longer ridged by my side, unable to swing freely, no longer glued down and held in place. I feel like I can “Wiggle” if you know what I mean.

I have had two previous interviews and today you get to hear about all my fears and concerns and hopes surrounding this job…

So the position is with a CPA firm and if you know anything about CPA’s it that they are anal… passionately, obsessively anal… about everything. Oh and lets not forget that they are right… always! I would be the assistant for the owner of the company, the head CPA if you will. I had lunch with the man, he was intense the entire time. So what does that mean to me? That the man will be hard to please, that I will not be able to figure out what he wants quickly enough. It means I will be working with someone that is a worse perfectionist than I am! Scary huh?

Tomorrow is a working interview, which means I will be there all day. I can guarantee I’ll end up with a head ache that would stop an elephant. I always do when I am under intense pressure.

I’ll just have to find someone to beat the shit out of! :) Hahaha…. 

So what are the benefits of this position? Room for advancement, better pay and actuall, for reallly true BENEFITS!  I’ll have medical dental and vision for the first time in a few years… Just to let you know… we spent nearly $32,000.00 in medical over the last two years… Two broken arms, One gal bladder surgery, countless hours of therapy (which so obviously helped! sigh… ) a huge chiropratic bill.

Anywho!

Wish me luck!

 

So what do you think?

Should I,  would I with your spouse? Could I, will I in your house?

I have thought long and hard about this… and still I am unsure if I want to Dom for money. Tell me, would you pay me to beat the shit out of you ( oh and then you’d have to clean it up, what do I look like, your maid)?

Be FUCKING BRUTALLY honest people. I asked for it.

Cute but oh so mean~

 

Stay Back, I bite!

 

A few more for you

Here kitty, kitty...

 The best equipment comes from an equestrian supply store.

Mmmmmm, Shiny!

 

Stomp, Stomp!

Suck the heel, kiss it.

 My tootsies and thier friendly killer heels. These are a bitch to walk in!

 

Teacher says “KNEEL bitch!”

I won't hurt you

Or maybe I will… My friend and I decided to get me on camara this weekend.

 

Strong Women

Lately, I’ve had this overwhelming urge to control men. In a very sexual, dominating way. I find myself sitting at red lights and glancing about myself… and thoughts like “That one would look good on his knees…” and “I bet he would like it in the ass… ” stream like a video on repeat through my mind.

I’ve done it once,  tied someone up and made them do as I say. What a fun way to spend the morning, but you don’t want to hear about how it felt … do you? (wicked little smile.)  Or Maybe you do?

What a little bitch he was! He thought he had the upper hand, but I met him at the door with zip ties and rope.  No smile, no polite “How are you?” Instead, I opened the door, stepped back and pointed to the ground behind me… “Get on your knees, there, and put your hands behind your back.” He stepped in and went right to the spot I indicated.

I closed the door and knelt down behind him. I had already linked several zip ties together in anticipation of his arrival. It takes little time to slip the loop over the crossed hands and wrists. Pull it tight and then loop another between the wrists. Instance bondage, convenient and quick. It’s like fast food for BDSM.

I pulled up on the tied hands and then led him down the stairs into the basement. I was shaking my head the whole way… And finally turned around to look at him. “So you really thought you could fuck with me? Telling me you were going to touch yourself when I told you not to?”  I knelt him down next to my desk and turned away to ignore him while I finished an email I needed to send. I could hear him breathing heavily next to me. He was nervous… so was I but I wasn’t going to tell him that, and I wasn’t going to let it show.

I decided he had sat there long enough, I turned to him and put my hand on his chin. Turning his face this way and that way, I smiled and said to him “You smoke. I can smell it on you. I hate that so I won’t kiss you.” I started to unbutton his shirt then and said “Lets see what else I can do with you instead.” I pulled it off his shoulders and left it hanging on his wrists. I licked his nipples and then unzipped his pants reaching in and pulling his dick out, pleasantly surprised by the size. He grunted  a bit when I touched him,  just like a cave man! It was pretty amusing to have him there, on his knees unable to touch me. I decided I would leave him like that for a while and I turned back to my work.

I made a few phone calls, replied to some more email and then stood up and pulled my black skirt up to my hips. I don’t wear underwear… ever. I turned around to the man kneeling beside my desk and grabbed his hair. I shoved his face in my crotch and he started licking just like he had been trained to do it all his life.  What a champ… or chimp maybe … lol.

I pushed him away and leaned down to pull his belt from the loops of his pants. I wrapped it around his neck and used it as a leash. As I sat down, I pulled him closer to me and unbuttoned my blouse. Just like a good boy, he started to suck and nibble on my breasts. After a little while I shove him down to my pussy again. Finally, I pull him up again and pull a condom out of my desk drawer. I’ve decied that I want to fuck him. So I open the condom and slide it down his hard cock.

Using the neck leash as a guide, I pulled him to me as I was settled myself back in my chair. I whispered to him “Don’t you dare cum before I tell you or I’ll empty the condom in your shirt pocket… ” then I slid his cock just inside me and began to play with my clit. He was so good! I could tell by the sweat on his neck and the look on his face that he needed to cum but he didn’t. At one pint , he leaned into me and tried to push further inside but I pulled him out and walked away from him. 

After a minute  or two, I came back and sat with my legs spread in front off him and just played with my clit while he watched. I was close to cumming and I like  it best with a cock in me so I pulled his hips closer to me and started fucking him quickly and deeply while I played with myself… It was funny to watch his face, he was trying so hard not to cum!  I finally quit watching him long enough to focus on myself and I came pretty hard.

I made him stop moving and gave him a moment to pull back from the brink. Then I sat up and whispered one more time to him… “You have one minute to cum… ” I then leaned back and watched him desparately poke around until he slid his cock back inside me. You would have thought the poor guy had never fucked before! He had good strokes though, nice even hard strokes.  He had hardly said a word this whole time but he did mutter “Its right there!” and then he came.

I immeadiately pushed him out of me and pulled his pants up around his hips. I buttoned his shirt again and removed his belt from his neck, then marched his back upstairs.  At the door, I turned him around and snipped the zip ties with some scissors.  I opened the door and pushed him outside and handed him his belt then closed the door and locked it.

Smiling the whole time, I returned to my desk and picked up my phone to make another call…