I hope that by writing about these things, I can purge some repetitive thoughts from my head.

The eating issue…

Many times Joshua has chosen to stand at the counter (or sit in the living room, or office) and eat his meals rather than share a table with the kids and I. Dinner is supposed to be silent and polite in his mind. Instead, the kids and I will talk and laugh together. When he did chose to grace us with his presence, he would harp on the kids so bad that they would tear up and leave the table feeling deflated. Common complaints included but were not limited to the following:

The amounts they’ve dished out were too much or too little / The condiments they used were “inappropriate” for the food they were eating / The bite sizes they took were too large / The speed at which they ate was too fast or too slow / And many times, even when hungry for more food, the kids would not ask for a second helping, knowing that Joshua would at least give them the critical eye. Since the affair, and my subsequent complete honesty, he now eats with us at the table.

There are issues still, although far less drastic than they were before. For example, just last week, breakfast on the farm, his mom had made a big meal, complete with farm fresh eggs, pancakes and fresh mixed berries. As the breakfast winds down, Sydney starts to finish off the bowl of berries set out for the pancakes. Joshua’s mom has just commented… “Eat up! Whatever’s left of those berries is going to the chickens.” No one else at the table indicates any further interest in the berries. Sydney decides she has full reign, making sure the chickens are deprived their treat. After a few bites, Joshua says, “That’s enough, you’ve had plenty” and berates her, making sure she knows he is displeased. 

Now, consider a few things that we as a family are all privy to, things that the general public may not know. Sydney had just grown 2 inches (YES, 2 inches! I measure the kids on the bathroom door…) in 2 and a half months. And she grows… like mad!!!, during winter. It’s just her way.

I speak quietly in his ear.. “Josh… it’s just berries, they’re good for her… you know she just grew out of all her clothes again”. It’s said with a smile, to soften any correction that taints my voice, but he get’s up from the table and leaves, at which point everyone in the room knows how he feels.

The touching issue…

He is only better about “letting” me touch him since the affair, more as a way to appease me than any subconsious need to be touched. Now sometimes, he’ll remember that I need to be touched and he will reach out, so he is trying. I ask him to do things, and he does them but wow… after this many years, I wish he knew what I liked.

The “kill joy” issue…

The kids and I play, we water fight in Summer, color in color books (The boy, he is getting too old to want to do this… sad faced mom here), I paint their faces and let them paint mine, we cook together (and we clean up the mess that generally comes with that). I play barbies with my daughter, and let her do my hair (and then drench it in conditoner to remove the knots!) And I play music loud in the car and listen to many of the same songs as my son. I let him get his ears pierced and get a mohawk (he is on the honor roll and he knows these are priviledges for a job well done). 

Often, Joshua is annoyed that we are playing if it is anything but quiet, controlled play. Sometimes… he’ll play legos with Dryden. Sometimes, he will even get it in his head that he wants to take the kids sledding. It’s those moments when the ice melts just the slightest from around my heart but it’s so thick from years of adding layer after layer, I wonder if it will ever be warm again.

I read through this post and I think to myself  “I want to fall back “in love” with my husband but how? When he makes it so easy to remain distant from him.”

Does anyone have any ideas?? Anyone??