The sound of a chime alerts me to a new email / text from Joshua.
“My mom called, she was upset that I took my name off of her credit card. GRRR… I was only an auth user, it wouldn’t have hurt my credit.”
I was nasty in return.
“It doesn’t matter what you want, so long as it doesn’t upset her right?”
He says he can’t figure out what to do, that he tries to keep us both happy…
I don’t want him to try to keep her happy, he is a 34 year old man, married, with two children. His every desicion should not include weather or not any given situation will upset his mother. What about asking himself, will it upset his wife ???
I’ve held last place in his consideration next to his daughter, his drugs and his mother… I’ve told him before that in my opinion, the only person that should be considered above me is himself and his daughter. I told him this again last night, he flipped on the lights, sat up in bed and said “Kimberley, you are NOT less important than she is. I’m still here aren’t I?”
Rage… red hot flashing rage tore through my mind and lept to my face.. he reached out to put his arms around me, and I forced them away, pushed at his chest. He tried to hold me more tightly, and I broke free and started to hit him to make him stop touching me. It’s hard to explain, I feel this utter pain well up inside me, something I can’t fight and I turn into something I’m not. I turn into a defensive child, crying deep in my throat and growling like an animal. I lash out, I can’t stand to be touched and I want only to say the things that will make him leave.
So I ask him…. “WHY?!?, Why do you stay, I tried to push you away but you stay like I am some crusade, some religious fight that you would sacrifice your own soul to win.” He responds “Because it’s the right thing to do…” I counter, “Is that what I am, some noble cause for you?” And then him again “NO, It’s what I want to do, Fuck! I love you and I’m not leaving”. He breaks down, “I have to do everything I can to make this right. I know we’ve been busy, I’ll try to pay more attention and focus on us. I told my mom no more projects until after August…” I stop him, so harsh and cruel… I say “Before it was “No more projects, period, I’m done. Then no more for a year, then it was none until after Christmas, and now it’s August… “
Do you know what we are doing this weekend?… going to her house to work…
We’ve talked about getting a new house for us, something bigger where I can have my throwing wheel and art studio, someplace where he can tinker in the garage on his wood projects. Something with TWO BATHROOMS! (Two pre-teens in a house of four people, not a pretty situation). And we want to grow the number of properties we own. Joshua already hurts everyday, construction is hard on the body. We have a nice chunk of money in the bank for closing fees, our credit is excellent and we have no debt except the house we live in now. The rental market in our area is stable, (college community) and sellers are desperate.
It’s is a great time for us to rent our house out and buy another…
Except that Joshua’s finances are wrapped up in another rental property with his mom, he is on a number of accounts with her and guess who the benificiary of his life insurance policy is…. His mother is financially retarded when it comes to being conservative with money. Which would be fine… if my finances were not wrapped up with his now.
It’s just that she gets these ideas and jumps into them head first without checking for jagged rocks under the service… At least LOOK first so that you can navigate the dangerous areas!!!
I want OUR life but she pulls Joshua over and over into another project or family drama. She owns a house two hours from us, she bought another one right across the street from her… it was sided with roofing shingles and newspaper, needless to say there was alot of work to be done. First the house was goingto be a rental, then a bed and breakfast, then she was selling it (we were supposed to get part of the profit for doing so much work on it) and now, maybe a rent-to-own which means we would see nothing in the way of profit until the house sells two or three years down the road…. fine. I just don’t want to have to keep playing her games. But wait, there’s more… she bought another house (I can smell the projects manifest themselves)…same area, where the closest major business is a prison and the next closest major business is… another prison. Great place for a bed and breakfast hah? There is by far an over abundance of railroad tracks, irrigation canals and abandoned buildings. So no, the scenery does not make up for it either. Sigh…
We started our relationship working on a house, a three unit property for her and him… the one they own together now. And then I bought a house, single mom and with only my own money, but it needed work, and work we did. She’s bought 3 houses since then and can’t possibly hire someone to do the work needed, it has to be Joshua…
When do we get our turn?
May 22, 2008 at 1:05 am
It sounds like there’s some co-dependency going on between them. She depends on him to help her because “that’s what sons are supposed to do” and he acquiesces because “she’s my mom”.
You’re not alone, if that’s any consolation.
May 22, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Some co-dependency???
I guess the biggest issue is that we are having such a hard time connecting, Joshua and I. He said he wants to do everything he can to make this work, but he just can’t seem to say no and explain what HE wants to his mother.
I don’t know, maybe it’s not what he wants, maybe it’s what I want and again, he is only trying to please me… I want to connect again or move on and be done. How are we supposed to find US again if we are so busy doing work stuff, and then kid stuff and then his mom stuff… And FUCK, I’ve have a bad streak lately with my health, in and out of the doctors office, both mental and physical.
When I say “When do we get a turn?” I mean when does he decide that this is more important than everything else, when does he make this the absolute priority instead of trying to figure out how he can keep his mother happy…
May 22, 2008 at 3:26 pm
P.S. Sorry for the venting…
May 22, 2008 at 4:40 pm
The thing is Terra, did you know what she was like when you married him? If you didn’t, ok. But, if you did, then you married into that family and that situation. The question is can you find a compromise.
May 22, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Honestly, I had a pretty good idea after a few years of us being together. Then Laney (Josh’s mom) found a partner and that helped lift alot of the burden from Joshua. Well… her partner has started to feel how heavy the load can be when living with a woman like her. And now she (the partner) has decided she is done with the messes his mom causes too. The rules have reverted back. And the timing for that is not good obviously. It’s just another obstacle to get through. I told her partner it’s too bad we can’t just trade… I’ll take her and Joshuas mom can have him…
Seriously, I feel like the Donkey (or ass) that’s been led around with dangled treat after treat and now I finally realize that I’m not going to get the carrot. I’ve dug my heels in and I ain’t moving. No more compromise, not where our relationship is concerned. I am his wife or I am not.
May 22, 2008 at 5:41 pm
It’s a tough place to be in. I know I help my parents out a lot now that I’m older, but it’s not as often as you seem to be doing. Maybe you guys need to get away from everything too, mom, kids etc. I told my husband that he and I need to do that so we can be a couple for a while. Not mom and dad etc.