To the Other Mother…
You can say, and you have, that I just don’t understand that a loving family helps each other, that parents and children stay close throughout their lives and that I was taught to live differently. You can say that he is your one and only child, that everything you do is to benefit him and his family, that everything is to benefit all of us as a whole. You can say you moved away to let him live his own life. You can say you only want to have a relationship with me as a true daughter and mother. I know I have family issues, and I’ve never made a secret of it.
You can say all these things but still… we are here, at a crossroads where your son, my husband has to stand now, strong and straight and fight for his marriage and for the life he wants. Your intentions are good, your love for him is so striong, how can I fault that when I am a mother myself? He wants you happy, he wants you to feel involved in his life because he knows it is what you want and because it is the right thing to do. He wants you to be proud of him and to be able to have a close relationships with both of our children. But he wants to be independent, he wants to be free of the guilt of responsiblity, he wants to be free to live life on his choosen terms without the descisions you make weighting on his mind at every turn. You do things for his own good, but he is grown and must choose a path and fall face forward according only to his own descisions.
And there is me, frightened and hardened in my heart toward any who would approach me as family. It is just how and who I am. But I love you, I have always wanted to meet your expectations, to be respected and honored in your eyes. But I am human, and a woman, a mother… with my very own way of doing things, regardless of what may be the ”right” way. I can only bend so much in my own stubborn ways before I lash back against the tension or snap. I am open to your ideas, but I have many of my own and there is no reason that yours should be considered at all turns above those of my own. You can say that you want to talk to me about things, involve me in the decisions and you have. But recognize that it is very difficult to stand against the opinion of an older more experienced woman. We see things from two different perspectives. I want my husband now, not five years from now… today, selfishly, I want him fully as my husband. You want to secure your and his future. The two are mostly seperate now…. His future is with his wife and children, and eventually only his wife, even if someday that is not me.
He and I, we are not on solid ground now. We waver and weave… we are stumbling from all angles. Our life teeters, the edge too close to our feet still. I could turn to leave, but I am stubborn and hopeful that we can fit the damn pieces of this puzzle back together again. We have to be ruthless now, protect what little there is, what little we’ve built, fiercely, with everything we have. Right now, we can not give an inch to anybody but ourselves, there isn’t that much even to give yet to others… I am taking everything I can grab and holding onto it for dear life, now is not the time for routine to step in and calm the storm, because it’s a false calm… the undertow will rip us apart if we let it.
Your ideas, your projects, your life is good. And I can’t ask that you stop thinking of your son or us with all that you do… but I have to say that Joshua can not be anything but an anonymous party to your descisions right now. If you pull him, it may well dislodge him from his life with me.
I guess only he can make that descision though…
Kimberley
