These rides… they make me sick. Twisting back on themselves and turning my stomach at each movement. Each time I feel settled, another increase in angle or speed throws me off balance again.
I don’t often write from home but I need too, I just need to get it out.
Last Weekend…. Time to go again, a birthday party for the Queen of the Universe Lisa. I’m driving, my family packed side-by-side in my little car. Ah the hazards of driving to the older side of a city, road construction and poor planning for the amount of traffic we now have in our “little” city. Not so much fun but whatever….
I enjoy driving only to a certain degree, I like that freedom it gives me but other than that, meh, I could take it or leave it. And I am driving, well, more acurately, I am waiting… and waiting…. and…. waiting. But we have music and an AC and something to drink, and I certainly don’t give two shits if we are late to Miss Priss’s birthday after all the hell she’s given her sister. No reason for tension, we just need to wait and be patient.
Joshua: “Why didn’t you turn at ….?”
Kim: “I forgot they were doing this construction here. It was a mess when I came by the other day too.”
Joshua: “Well, we should have taken the highway.”
Kim: “I can turn right here and go down one of the other streets?”
Joshua: “Are we late to the party?”
Kim: “Like I care, it’s for Lisa.” (Self realization, Lisa has hurt her sister who is my best friend, I have some real issues with her because she has hurt someone I love.)
Silence.
Kim: “You want me to try another street?”
Joshua: “Sure.” (Mind you, I hate “Sure”, it implies an agreement without any commitment, like a lazy yes but not quiet. He knows this.)
Kim: “Yes?”
Joshua: “YES!”
So I turn right, and we go down a few blocks and I turn right again. I decide to take the main street from which my friends house is two blocks off of. Of course this way there are 5 lights and plenty of people traffic as well. But like I said, I don’t really care about the time it takes to get there. I just plan on getting there sometime.
Joshua: “Are you gonna take the highway?”
Kim: “No, I’ll just hit Main and take it down.”
Joshua, smirk and look away, an intense stare opposite my direction that screams pouting baby.
Kim: “What?”
Joshua: “The highway is quicker and has less traffic…”
Kim: “Do you want me to turn around and take the highway?”
Joshua: “I just thought it would be quicker”
Kim: “Is it ok if I just stay here on Main? It’s only 6 blocks.”
Joshua, the look that tells me I am stupid and a bitch creeps onto his face and settles in for a long stay.
And the strength of the fragile connection is broken… I withdraw inside and wonder, why does he act like I’m stupid, that I’m a bitch, when he doesn’t get his own way? If it doesn’t matter to me, why doesn’t he just say “I want XYZ” and then I could just do that for him! I feel saddened that once again, the little thread of hope, that maybe I can grow to be in love with him again has snapped. It was there, I could feel a slight drawing sensation from his direction. A little foundation has been patched together and then something happens, my feelings are scattered again, kicked about like a bully crushes a sand castle.
He says he loves me, and I believe he does in the ways he can. But I hate this feeling of spinning, there is no constant forward movement and I feel lost and hopeless when I think of where we are going. He tries, but maybe I am too harsh a wife, demanding his efforts be more and more in line with my expectations.
Needless to say, I had tears streaming down my face by the time me traversed the few remaining blocks. We sit in the car, parked outside my friends house and he says “What did I do?” and I try to explain, I really do try to tell him that it is the reminder of all the things that he’s done before that hurts so bad, it is the constant ugly doubt raising its face to me that makes me so very, deeply sad inside. I try to tell him that I want to feels things for him and when I do finally again, he can so easily crush them with next to no effort on his part. He says “But I just wish you would at least take what I think into consideration…” and I tell him I did but does that mean I need to follow through with his every suggestion? You see… it is this way. He gets it in his mind that something needs to be a certain way and then when I deviate from his plan, which I may or may not even know of, he pouts and holds his lips tight together and plasters a half smirk/smile that says he’s irritated among other things. And it is this look, this throwing off of negative energy from himself that reaches out a slaps me across the face, so potent that no one around him doubts his ire. It reminds me in no uncertain terms what has been the case in our relationship for over 8 years now.
We talk, I try to explain, he try’s to explain and we decide to put on our “happy” masks and go inside before someone comes looking for us. But in the end, that spider web of connecting thread has broken and I am hollow again, repulsed instead of attracted, wishing for some peace in my heart again.
