5/22/08: Nearly a month past from when I last wrote on this page to you… I think less often of you, if not thinking of you at every moment is less… I only think of you perhaps hourly now… A bit of improvement. You’ve locked me out of your Hyves account. Yes, I could open another account and see your pictures again. But why put myself through that when it is so plain now that you want nothing to do with me. It’s best that way, less painful… maybe. Do you think with no pictures of you to look at, I will be able to get you out of my mind? I hope that works… Nothing so far has.
You know, I write these things to you like you care or even read them, Why would you? Ann said you hate me for this, for not telling you of the problems I had when we first met… I never understood at that time how sick I was.  Even now I question if I am sick, it just doesn’t seem that I can be that person and who I am as well. I write and speak with intelligence. I’m artistic, and pretty and work and play like anyone else… How can it be that I am sick, how can it be that I turn into something that is not me? Am I like this because I am forcing myself to stay in a place and wait? I am not a patient person. Does the waiting cause me to lose myself? 
I hope you realize by now that the woman you loved was different than the rest, special and strange at the same time. I did not say I love you lightly, I never do, not to friends or family, or any lovers in the past. I would say, ”I want you or I miss you or I like you so much” but I love you is sacred.  Maybe you are lucky that I stayed instead of leaving…
Kimberley
6/3/08 -
I’m trying to find the courage to move on, to know that you want nothing to do with me. I have told myself time and again to let it be, to remain silent and just love you from inside me. I will continue to try that. No emails to your friends. I’m sorry but I wanted you to repond to me so bad that I am willing to try some very rude things. Marcel, you moved on quickly, and maybe that is how you are. You found someone to help you feel wanted and loved. That hurt, it still hurts, that you could just turn away and suddenly have no feelings anymore, that tells me that I loved you more deeply afterall and maybe it was best then that I stayed with Joshua. You denied at first that you could be angry, and you promised things, but your promises weren’t worth much, you broke them.  I am angry with you … but mostly myself for my feelings still being so strong for you. If I could, I would slap you with all my strength because I hurt so much, but then… I would kiss you even harder. You are cruel to not tell me to leave you alone, you are mean spirited to not respond and say that you want me to move on. It seems that you sit there laughing at me, knowing that there is some stupid lady out there who loves you so much and that makes you feel good to know that I sit here, crying over you, it strokes your ego and makes you feel like more of a man. What I want is to have an honest conversation with you, to tell you everything so that there are no doubts in either of our minds about what happened but you are too weak to handle that. You leave me to make up answers by myself. Those answers are one sided, and I can not truly figure out what you felt or what happened without your input as well. I want to move on! I want to make it work with Joshua, but you will not help me kill this thing inside me that needs answers so bad. We were not going to be together, we each had families but when your wife decided to divorce, you started to urge me to leave as well. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.  Damn it Marcel, stop laughing at me and talk to me so that I can get over you! You are a cruel man when you know you could help, but you refuse to. Are you that person? A man who needs his ego stroked in order to feel special? Just a fucking response from you!!! Something to say that we can talk a little and I can figure out how to get past you with your help. I need you to tell me that you are sorry that things didn’t work out, that you missed me too, but that you are happy now and we should both just remember how wonderful it was as a memory and move on! I need you to talk me into being over you , I NEED your help. Please, open a line of communication between us so that I can be healed from you.
Kimberley
6/13/08 – Maybe that is the answer, I need to get angry at you… tell myself all the terrible things about you. And I need to stay busy doing things I enjoy, I just need to put distance between me and your memory. It’s hard most times, but this last weekend and week I was able to do it. I was able to work in the garden and let my mind wander… When I did, my thoughts did not drift as often to you, they did not stubbornly dig in their heels when I gentley reminded them to move away. Joshua is so much more man now than I ever gave him credit for. And you, I try to tell myself, that you would never have known how to handle me, how to work through this. I remind myself that you played games with your wife, refusing to beg for her, refusing to do everything in your power to keep her. I have to tell myself that that is who you are, a man with great pride and little humility. I have to tell myself that you were never right for me, that no matter how strongly we were drawn to each other, that it was much more like a moth drawn to the light, dangerous and ultimately deadly, the heat and light becoming so intense that in the end there is no comfort in hovering around you.. Only a bright burst of energy and then total blackness.
6/23/08 – I finally gave in and called it, your phone number… I had shreaded all phone bills before. When I thrust you from my life, I tried to cleanse myself of everything regarding you. All that was left was my mind and those memories that played over and over. I don’t know why I hoped the number would work, that I could hear your voice on the message… “Dis es Marcel… ” the sound of those simple words like a piece of candy. Now I can only stop and think… but I still hear them, I still hear you whisper my name and then suck in your lower lip a little, a small sound escapeing your mouth. I can still see the soft look in your eyes. It’s some sort of sick self touture… the ritual of closing my eyes at night, I see you and can not get you from my head. I want nothing more than to cut ties with all I know and run to you. But.. you don’t want me and I can’t blame you for that. What unnatural hold do you keep me bound in? Why did you of all people, so far away, so selfish, why were you not strong enough to fight for me. I feel like some consolation prize… awarded to the man with the most tenancious spirit. I want to scream at you, “Fucker! You coward, you gave up and I was worth the fight! How dare you leave me to the mess alone!” I just… I miss you so much still you asshole.