I hope that by reading through this blog you have a better understanding of why I did what I did. There are so many reasons and you deserve a woman who is… everything you ever wanted. I am not that person right now and so I made the choice for you.
I never lied to you, and just as I always loved certain people in my life, you are one that I will never, ever forget. I may never forgive myself for not taking the chance to be with you… and I know that I will always regret it.
I want you happy, and I want someone to love you for everything that is good and wonderful in you. The other part wants you to only be with me, not someone else, knowing that they will never love you like I do.
If you ever need me, please, just ask and I will do whatever it takes. In two months from now, or 2 years, or 2 decades, it will not matter. I love you and that is the way it is.
Maybe later in life I can have what I need, don’t be surprised if I show up somewhere… someday. I hurt every day that I can not be with you, but it is my choice for now and I have made it. I never read the last few emails you sent to me, Joshua deleted them.
I could not ask you to wait for me, you deserve so much more than to sit lonely and sad.
Ik hou van je mijn lief mann,
Kimberley
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4/1/08 – Today is no better, I hope this doesn’t last forever, it is painful to love someone and not hear from them, I know what I’ve put you through now.
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4/28/08 – I have started to plan. You see, I am paralized if I can not see the next step in front of me. I have to know that I have a path with options. I have given it enough time and still I only love Joshua as a friend.
A. I will get the a different Job, I have already started looking.
B. With a new job and medical benefits, I can manage my health better, and put money away in a seperate savings account automatically. I will need to see how much the checks are, at which point I can decide how much to put away.
C. Joshua and I and the kids will move out of the house we are in, as a family, we need more room so that is the reason to move. I have already talked to Joshua about this and he likes the idea of moving. What this does is give me a chance to completely go through evreything and seperate things. I will know what we have this way. What I plan is to rent out my house that we live in now to students and then when the rental; term is up…. that is when Dryden and I can moveback.
The timeline seems like Novemeber or December of this year again. Maybe somewhere along the line I will change my mind and find something in Joshua to stay for, but it’s been a while and I still only want out.
Mijn hart is van jou… Kimberley
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5/22/08: Nearly a month past from when I last wrote on this page to you… I think less often of you, if not thinking of you at every moment is less… I only think of you perhaps hourly now… A bit of improvement. You’ve locked me out of your Hyves account. Yes, I could open another account and see your pictures again. But why put myself through that when it is so plain now that you want nothing to do with me. It’s best that way, less painful… maybe. Do you think with no pictures of you to look at, I will be able to get you out of my mind? I hope that works… Nothing so far has.
You know, I write these things to you like you care or even read them, Why would you? Ann said you hate me for this, for not telling you of the problems I had when we first met… I never understood at that time how sick I was. Even now I question if I am sick, it just doesn’t seem that I can be that person and who I am as well. I write and speak with intelligence. I’m artistic, and pretty and work and play like anyone else… How can it be that I am sick, how can it be that I turn into something that is not me? Am I like this because I am forcing myself to stay in a place and wait? I am not a patient person. Does the waiting cause me to lose myself?
I hope you realize by now that the woman you loved was different than the rest, special and strange at the same time. I did not say I love you lightly, I never do, not to friends or family, or any lovers in the past. I would say, ”I want you or I miss you or I like you so much” but I love you is sacred. Maybe you are lucky that I stayed instead of leaving…
Kimberley
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6/3/08 -
I’m trying to find the courage to move on, to know that you want nothing to do with me. I have told myself time and again to let it be, to remain silent and just love you from inside me. I will continue to try that. No emails to your friends. I’m sorry but I wanted you to repond to me so bad that I am willing to try some very rude things. Marcel, you moved on quickly, and maybe that is how you are. You found someone to help you feel wanted and loved. That hurt, it still hurts, that you could just turn away and suddenly have no feelings anymore, that tells me that I loved you more deeply afterall and maybe it was best then that I stayed with Joshua. You denied at first that you could be angry, and you promised things, but your promises weren’t worth much, you broke them. I am angry with you … but mostly myself for my feelings still being so strong for you. If I could, I would slap you with all my strength because I hurt so much, but then… I would kiss you even harder. You are cruel to not tell me to leave you alone, you are mean spirited to not respond and say that you want me to move on. It seems that you sit there laughing at me, knowing that there is some stupid lady out there who loves you so much and that makes you feel good to know that I sit here, crying over you, it strokes your ego and makes you feel like more of a man. What I want is to have an honest conversation with you, to tell you everything so that there are no doubts in either of our minds about what happened but you are too weak to handle that. You leave me to make up answers by myself. Those answers are one sided, and I can not truly figure out what you felt or what happened without your input as well. I want to move on! I want to make it work with Joshua, but you will not help me kill this thing inside me that needs answers so bad. We were not going to be together, we each had families but when your wife decided to divorce, you started to urge me to leave as well. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Damn it Marcel, stop laughing at me and talk to me so that I can get over you! You are a cruel man when you know you could help, but you refuse to. Are you that person? A man who needs his ego stroked in order to feel special? Just a fucking response from you!!! Something to say that we can talk a little and I can figure out how to get past you with your help. I need you to tell me that you are sorry that things didn’t work out, that you missed me too, but that you are happy now and we should both just remember how wonderful it was as a memory and move on! I need you to talk me into being over you , I NEED your help. Please, open a line of communication between us so that I can be healed from you.
Kimberley
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6/13/08 – Maybe that is the answer, I need to get angry at you… tell myself all the terrible things about you. And I need to stay busy doing things I enjoy, I just need to put distance between me and your memory. It’s hard most times, but this last weekend and week I was able to do it. I was able to work in the garden and let my mind wander… When I did, my thoughts did not drift as often to you, they did not stubbornly dig in their heels when I gentley reminded them to move away. Joshua is so much more man now than I ever gave him credit for. And you, I try to tell myself, that you would never have known how to handle me, how to work through this. I remind myself that you played games with your wife, refusing to beg for her, refusing to do everything in your power to keep her. I have to tell myself that that is who you are, a man with great pride and little humility. I have to tell myself that you were never right for me, that no matter how strongly we were drawn to each other, that it was much more like a moth drawn to the light, dangerous and ultimately deadly, the heat and light becoming so intense that in the end there is no comfort in hovering around you.. Only a bright burst of energy and then total blackness.
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6/23/08 – I finally gave in and called it, your phone number… I had shreaded all phone bills before. When I thrust you from my life, I tried to cleanse myself of everything regarding you. All that was left was my mind and those memories that played over and over. I don’t know why I hoped the number would work, that I could hear your voice on the message… “Dis es Marcel Steijn…. ” the sound of those simple words like a piece of candy. Now I can only stop and think… but I still hear them, I still hear you whisper my name and then suck in your lower lip a little, a small sound escapeing your mouth. I can still see the soft look in your eyes. It’s some sort of sick self touture… the ritual of closing my eyes at night, I see you and can not get you from my head. I want nothing more than to cut ties with all I know and run to you. But.. you don’t want me and I can’t blame you for that. What unnatural hold to you keep me bound in? Why did you of all people, so far away, so selfish, why were you not strong enough to fight for me. I feel like some consolation prize… awarded to the man with the most tenancious spirit. I want to scream at you, “Fucker! You coward, you gave up and I was worth the fight! How dare you leave me to the mess alone.
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7/14/08 – When I became upset this last week… I automatically reached for you. Since last September, I had not used the perfume I normally would. I put the bottle in my cabinet where I “lock away” the secrets of my inner self. It is the same cabinet that contains your necklace, I can no longer think of it as mine and I wish now you would have kept it… I remember how it just fit your neck, so big on my own but nearly too tight for you. I put the perfume there out of habit what seemed like so long ago, I set it on the shelf and forgot it was there, not on purpose but the outcome was the same. And then this last week, I was angry with Joshua, he had read my emails and become upset that I was speaking by email with Isabel, the girl from Brazil. I left the office, wrapped in my bath towel from having just showered, and my feet turned to the cabinet. I opened the glass door, my fingers touched the outside of the bottle and I turned the ridges of the lid. The smell of the lavendar oil floated up to me, and I breathed deep. Damn you, you have changed my life, each and everything I experience is colored by my thoughts of you. When I do things, see things, you creep into every little peice of it. I eat somewhere nice, and I think of the words that passed bewteen us and you first tried American food. You were so at ease for having never been here before, so relaxed and comfortable. I miss you, you big bear, I miss laying on your chest and having you rock me back and forth, your soft arms around me, your lips on my hair. It is getting close to the time of Dragon festival and I remember wanting this year to be with you, taking you in and out of the light of the fire, seeing the intense stare of your eyes as I danced half naked in front of everyone but only really for you. I also remember Joshua pushing me, and me screaming at him and the ugliness that came over my soul when I realized I hated who we were to each other. I remember him begging, begging again and again for forgiveness, I think I should have left then. I should have… but I am always a coward when it comes to him, I give in and it is because no matter, I still love him. But you, I can not forget you either. You, who from what I can find out, has gained too much weight again, drinks too much, is lazy about work and vicious in your hatred of me…. You.. I still can not forget. I love you and when I think of how much, my stomach drops from the inside of me and I can no longer breathe. I hate you so much sometimes for not forcing me to choose you…
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7/17/08 – Wow, only 3 days between that last entry and this one. Maybe it is the time of year that has me thinking of you so much. Joshua and I went for a walk up by a lake not far from our house, we took Dryden and Gabe and they spent their time throwing rocks into the water. I showed them how to make a special fish hook, the kind from a small stick sharpened at each end. When the fish bite the stick and then try to spit it out because it is not food, the stick turns crossways in their mouth and then gets stuck. It hardly ever works but it is fun to watch the fish bite at it. Joshua took me to a dance studio as well last Friday. We are to learn to dance latin dances, like salsa and samba and the ChaCha. Just the type I like, where I can wiggle my hips alot, lol. I’ve thought of asking Lex about you again but I know he is in a bad position when I write to him and I don’t want to hurt him or Selma in any way. So I will wait and not contact him until I can stand it no longer. I apologize every time I ask, I tell him it is because I worry about you. Yesterday, as we walked up the path to the lake, I thought to myself, “Would Marcel be able to get up here? His feet are probably so bad now that he has gained weight…” And then I thought of the problems you had that one time, when you came home from America and all the crap with Ilonka, how the stress made it worse for you. I thought about how your blood pressure is, and I worry that I am not there to take care of you. I feel like I let you down, that I was not strong enough to climb all the mountains that stood between our life together. I brush my hair, and I feel the place where I cut it, under the back, so that I could give it to you. All these small memories bring you into my life time and time again. Stupid me, just like the song I posted here on this blog says, “you’re no good for me, but you’re the only one I see…” I still feel like I walk in limbo now, half awake, with no real direction, just living to live but at least I an not ready to leave this world anymore. There are things that keep me here now, I stay to raise Dryden, and I stay becasue I have hope still. I hope that someday I will see you again, that you will realize that I never gave up on you, but that instead, I gave up on myself.
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7/21/08 – Marcel? Have you come here to read finally? I see that in the last week there has been someone come here from aperson.hyves.nl. Only a few know of it; you, Annemeike, Lex, maybe Selma but she has
never responded when I wrote before. I know it could be anyone but my stomach drops when I see a vistor from that webpage come here. I tell myself to be calm and that it is not you, that it was Anne or Lex checking on me.
But I want it to be you, I want you to be curious about me. It not fair to you, I am in no better or different place than I was this time last year. I am married, and yet you have my heart. It is that simple.. and it is that complicated too.
I went this morning to the dutch bakery not far from my work, they serve a warm, sweet coffee that I really enjoy. As I waited, I read the boxes of treats they had on the shelves, things “wit munt, suiker, cacaomelk” (I think that’s what it said…) and jellies and teas and crackers/breads. It is a form of self-torture, I read from where the food comes, the addresses from Rotterdam and I have thoughts like “I wonder how far from him that place is?”. I don’t push these thoughts away because I want to think about you, I want to feel closer to you somehow.
I know I’ve mentioned many time how many things bring you to my mind but it is true, it seems like every little things does that for me. There is a connection in almost everything I do and say. I will say something in spanish and then automaticaaly try to remember the word in Dutch. I will wear a piece of clothes and remember what I thought you would like to see me wearing when I travelled to the Netherlands. I will eat a big breakfast, and remember many things you told me about your own breakfast; how you ate little crackers with meat, and how we ate such a bad breakfast the first morning you were here and how you said to me that you wanted me to try eating like a Dutch person :) I will touch the green nose ring I wear and think that your favorite color is green and how I bought it to wear when I came to see you. I will look at the scar on my wrist and how softly you touched it, why I even have it in the first place and how when I broke my wrist, I knew that it was a “sign” that I was going to be ”broken” over the whole situation with you. I think about how that scar could have been joined by others from attempts to kill myself when my depression got so horrible after I quit speaking with you. I didn’t try to kill myself you know, I thought about it but I never tried, instead I cryed until I couldn’t breathe or see or feel anything anymore. And now, I still cry for you, but it is soft and silent and something sweet to me, I know that I love you and that it’s ok that I do, I know that I don’t have to let go of how I feel, I know that I can live like this, no matter how painful it is. I am stronger than that, and I don’t have to pretend I don’t love you. I can even talk to Schona and Wendy about you without crying (most of the time anyways).
I really do hope that someday you will be part of my life, even as friends, you gave me so much and to not have you to talk to is awful. I should have realized that I could not stop loving you just because I wanted to. I should have realized that you would have a special place in my life forever.
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7/23/08 – Ok, Ok.. so it’s bad these last few weeks for me, lol :) I want you around and I think about how stupid I was turn away from you. I get angry at Joshua for keeping me like some prize, up on a shelf and not letting me breathe because of all the dust that collects around me. Anyways…
I wonder what you think of me now, if you see me as some crazy-headed american woman who you wish you would have never been involved with. I wonder if you think I am obsessed, if you are scared a little that I am some strange pyshco, LOL! Maybe I am but truly Marcel… I really don’t think so. Am I love sick??? Oh for sure I am! (smiles) but I am as normal as others (if there is such a thing). I read through my writings, both the ones just for you and the ones everyone else sees. I don’t see a rambling, raving lunatic, I don’t see a crazy woman, someone sick in their head. What I see now is just me… hurting inside from the loss of a person that I was meant to meet, I see the heartbreak of making a huge mistake in turning my back from that person… I just see me, sad and missing you but now it is with a small smile, not so many tears and I am remembering the little bit of time I did have with you. I don’t want you to regret that we met, I hope you don’t. And yes, I was sick, worse than I had ever been before, but it was because of bad medication and not knowing myself very well. I always thought I knew who I was, what I wanted… but I only fooled myself. I have a much better idea now that I have nearly written a book about my feelings :) You see, if anyone will cause me the most pain, that person is me. I was a harsh person to myself, I was cruel and told myself lies. I have always thrown myself to the pack of wolves in order to save everyone else around me from being eaten. I told myself that Joshua needed me, and he does… because I let him. I told myself that the kids would be ruined if we split up and they would be… unless I was strong and showed them it was ok to be sad. I told myself my friends would think differently of me if you were my lover, and they would have, as a matter of fact they did… but if they loved me, and they do I know now, they would have supported me no matter who I had beside me.
It’s funny that I can write all these things and know that they are the truth, but that I still can not act, I am still too scared… but I am taking steps, small steps… I still haven’t given up that Joshua and I can be happy, but I am also making decisions based on the fact that I may be alone anyways. I am still so frightened… Thank you for letting me tell you these things, I love you Marcel, smile, I know that is still true.
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8/12/08 – I almost started to live without you as a constant presence in my heart and mind. :) Almost!. Oh but you have ruined me for other men, but I say that in a good way. I am just back a few days from Dragon Festival. I missed you there, I thought alot about the anticipation I felt this time last year, when I knew you would come to me. There was a man there, about your age, heavier than I remember you but I know you have gained some weight so he most likely looked very much like you. I was attending a body painting ritual and he entered the circle, came to the place right beside me and grabbed my hand. It made me smile, mostly the memory of you, not so much that he was holding my hand. There was attraction though, I couldn’t help it, thanks to you, wink! When the body painting began, he asked if he could paint me, and I said yes. He painted my breast with a flower, a sunflower, with no input from me. I only told him afterwards that I was a flower lover. I painted him as well with an egyption symbol for the God Toth. He had told me that was his name, I’m sure it wasn’t his real name but many do not use their real names. They don’t want to be identified. He left the circle to attend another workshop and I stayed to paint some others and to watch the beautiful art being drawn on peoples bodies. Later that night, at the fire, I saw him again. Painted and bare chested, lite by fire and it only made things worse. I wanted him and after hours of eye contact and smiles, the fire was out and while Joshua was getting his drum, the man and I hugged and shared a very brief kiss… But there was no spark. It is still you that I love and there is little that can take the place of that.
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9/2/08 – I finally wrote about the morning I called you. I get scared to write about things like that because I don’t want anyone finding out and telling Joshua. I thought I was doing so well, these last two weeks I didn’t think of you much and them the dream I had last night made it all come back again. I am begining to thinnk you are the one who practices magic… Keeping me under some strange spell. I wonder if when I called you a few weeks ago, did you know it was me? It was an american number but you answered anyways. You could have ignored it and let it go to voice mail but to picked up the line. Hmmmm. And then I think you could not hear me, you said hello a few times and then there was silence, but it didn’t sound like you hung up. What do those things mean? Did you answer because it was me, or did you answer out of habit without paying attention? Could you hear me that second time I said it was Kimberley, and go quiet or hang up… Or did you really not hear me at all? Either way, I heard your voice and it was so nice to hear. It brought back floods of memories, the calls to you while I waited for Dryden to get out of school. A call in the middle of the night to you because I just needed to hear your voice. Such silly things, but so very nice anyways.
And I sent you an email this morning as well. Asking you to let us remain friends, or at least to explain to me where you are and how you feel. I need these answers from you and I have been asking you to write to me for months and months now. I just need to be able to communicate with you. I have too many questions that I can not answer myself. Like, what did you feel like when I first told you I told Joshua. And then when I said I was staying with him in that last email to you in November? What did you write back? I never got to read it. Did you think I was just some girl that plays games? Have you ever read this blog, how do you still feel? Have you met someone that is really wonderful? Are you still sad over Ilonka?? how is your health? Did you get very sick when this happened? Do you even think about me still? Have you been able to move on, and if so, are you still angry with me? Were you ever angry with me? So many questions that I have, and I just feel this huge gaping hole in my heart where you were before. I just get the sence that if we could talk, I could let this go instead of holding it so tight. I could become comfortable that we are better now and that we wouldn’t have this wall between us. I just hope someday i can quit begging you to write to me and just send a simple email that says “Hello and how are you my friend?”.
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10/28/08 – Nearly two months, and I live my life as ussual, some things change, some don’t. Well at least I went 2 months without writing to you this time and it was only last week that I broke down and went in search of you on the internet. I have the same questions I always have, Why? Why do I still think so often of you. I do everything I can to stay so busy that I shouldn’t be able to think of you… but I do anyways. You are an ever present ghost that haunts me. I wish… what? What exactly is it that I wish? No wonder you will have nothing to do with me. What a strange woman I am, married with a husband who is now so good to me, two beautiful children who are smart and strong and funny. A growing Real Estate business and a life that is full of wonderful people who love me and whom I love. And yet I want you. After all this time, it is you I miss. Sometime the dreams I have are so vivid! And in them, I am nervous that Joshua will find out that I am with you, but then I wake up and I am no longer nervous… I am just sad because you are gone. It is hard to write these things now because I should have stopped loving you by now. I feel like I am some deranged woman who can not see the world around her because she is so focused on a tiny spec on the wall in front of her… except you are the mark and my soul is the wall that is imperfect because of you.
Gods, I sound like some stupid poet with the way I write! The silly words just flow from my fingers when I think of you… I’m shaking my head, partially to rid it of you and partially in laughter at myself for being so foolish.
You know what? I have always been the one to push others away. I have always been the one to end a relationship. Oh what a stubborn bull headed girl I can be! One moment I am thinking that I need to just keep trying with Joshua, that he is good, it is me that is broken and needs to be fixed. The next moment, I think, I have tried so long to love him as a husband and it is not there anymore, no matter how I try.
This last month, in October, I tried to not write on my blog at all. I thought that maybe, MAYBE, I could keep myself from thinking of you if I quit writing here at all. No such luck, I still thought of you. But don’t you think I am sitting around doing nothing, just waiting for you! I’m not, I have done everything I can think of to move away from my thoughts of you. I’ve started belly dancing again, I’ve visited friends and family, I’ve gone to school events and dinners. I’ve cooked special meals and sewn cloaks and costumes, I’ve cleaned out my cabinets and sold things on Craigslist. I’ve bought a house and fixed somethings on it, screened tenants and run the office for my work without another person around to help. I have avoided songs that remind me of you, and colors and words and places and everything I can think of! Yet you are there, sitting firmly on your chair, playing your guitar, looking up and smiling at me.
So tell me… what else can I do now? A year is gone, I am healthier and happier but still miss you like I would miss an arm :) You were vital to me and I didn’t even know it. I no longer find myself thinking of my own death, I havn’t since before my birthday. Winter is hard for me but I go into it this year without the dread I felt last year. There is however, this lingering sadness that never quiet lifts from me, no pills or doctor visits can fix what is wrong with me now. I hear only time makes this go away but I am still not a patient person.
I’ll finish this entry by closing my eyes, seeing you with your head in my lap, I will bend over your face and kiss your mouth softly, then kiss your chin and say goodbye again.
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12/1/08 – Another month passes. And now… A year is gone. I have lived a lifetime in this one year, I am more stubborn in my resolve. Having my parents here to talk to really opened my eyes to things I always ignore. There are two very firm facts that I now know… Joshua wants all of my attention, and he will get it at the expense of everyone around me. I think it’s obvious that Dryden is the person I hold most precious in my heart. And instead of being able to focus on him, and show him the attention he deserves, I am often forced to deal with the issues between Joshua and I. And when I am not dealling with that I am trying to catch up on all the things that get ignored when I have to pay attention to Joshua. I’ve noticed, and my parents did as well while they were here, that Joshua takes every opportunity to belittle Dryden, he takes every possible chance to nit pick and pull apart everything Dryden does. I am no longer sad over this, I am angry now. This is were I needed to be in order to do something about it. I feel terrible when I think back to how many times I have enabled this behavior in Joshua, either by being quiet or by even, sicking to say, joining in. I am ashamed that I would ever do that. By no means is Dryden an angel, he is my son after all and I am further from Sainthood than most.
I feel like I should list the most recent examples, as a way to keep track, as a way to remind myself when I become compliant. But they are the same as they have always been.
So I write to you because you do not care, by telling you these things, they fall into the void and are not directed at anyone in particular. I trust you, and even though the feeling is not recipricated, I still feel better after I have “talked” to you, even when there is never a response. At least you are not putting me down for my views. I can handle being ignored now, it is better than being verbally abused. I called you again and I will not apologize for it. So long as you have the voice mail maintained on your phone, I know that you are ok. I miss you and hope to see and touch you again some day.
12/22/08 – Ja, Ja, I am still writing here to you. You will just have to deal with it. I just wanted to say that you are never far from my heart and mind. I just wrote about the men in my mothers life and how eachone was supposed to “fix” her. What a terrible legacy she has left me to correct. You are fix it, you know. I won’t even consider anyone else. I see it as a healthy thing that you are so far a way and like a ghost now to me. A pretend person who I can talk to and confide in, like a doll that will never tell my secrets. I don’t think anyone ever reads this page that I’ve written to you. It is too long for them, too many rambling words, they get bored and who could blame them. But I will tell you about some changes in my life non the less.
First burning question: I still love you, simple as that but never easy. I still imagine your kisses and hugs. As a matter of fact, Joshua has just shaved his face for the first time and it reminds me of kissing you somewhat. The soft line of your lips below a rough strip of skin. I have been sewing more again, always some type of art, I must always be creating if for no other purpose than to create! My friend who is from Africa, she is leaving in two weeks time to visit her village and that of her husbands for three months. Each time she comes back from the US to her village, she holds classes and teaches the 30 or so women who live there a new skill. This time, I showed her how to make shoes for children, small little covers out of little bits of cloth. She was so excited to go home and show the woman of the vbillage these shoes. She promised me that she would take pictures of the woman as they sewed and sbring them for me to see once she comes back to the US again.
Some others things… I have been wracking my brain to start a business of my own. I rthink I will start cleaning houses. I did one yesterday and enjkoyed the hard work. It also pays more to work for myself than to work for Lori and Mike, but I like working with them and I think I can do both for a while. I will try to stay very busy, the winter for me is the hardest. I just hope with all my heart that I will not feel like I did last winter. You know, I never could understand how someone could consider hurtung themselves, like trying to kill themselves… But after hurting my children , my family, my freinds, myself, You and everyone that cared for you as well, I wanted to make the pain inside me stop so bad that I would have killed myself to find peace. I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, it never occured to me that anything would happen after I died, just that I would no longer be a conscious being. Just a black void would be were my soul and mind once were, just that I would no longer exist. Joshua help me with that you know. He also made it so much worse. If he would have been angry and turned away, I could have focused on his anger and mine. If he had done anything other than staying and supporting me while I fell apart, I wouldn’t have fallen apart, at least I don’t think so, does that make sense? You see, like water, I took the shape of the container that held me in. If Joshua would have left, or I would have kept him gine, I would have had a very strong shape to stay in, a glass with very think walls, the walls being work and money and Dryden and You. But Joshua broke the walls with his sad eyes. I feel guilty for staying and I felt guilty for going.
Anyways, I am now creating those walls again but this time I hope they stay strong. I try to remind myself that you gloated over the letter you sent with the necklace in it. You were smug in your knowledge that it was a Masterpeice meant to make me feel bad and good all at the same time. This one thing comes back to me over and over. You manipulated me… and I manipulated you too so no hard feelings my love. I told you every bad thing I could think of, I wanted to pull your heart to me, make you feel like I needed you. You pulled away at first, but then I worked you and worked you and you came to me and started to care. What a pair you and I were. You loved me and yet you wouldn’t tell your wife that, only that we wanted to sleep together. I loved you and I took every chance I could to push my husband away further and draw you even nearer.
Again, what a pair. Did we think we could figure out how to do this thing, how to feed this thing that was between us? We really did for a while, we thought we could work this out into a real plan. I’ll admit that the day has come when I don’t think about you everyday, every hour. It is hard for me because again, I am without a container to shape me. If you’ve read any of this blog then you know that I am trying to find my own shape, all by my own self this time. I no longer let it pass when Joshua irritates me, or is harsh to the kids. I do however, have to reign myself in sometimes because the proclivity is there for me to pull him down at every chance I have. Right now, I am going to focus on getting more money coming into the house. I want to save for Spain soon, we found the tickets for Dryden and I, all together with the meakls and hotels, and airfare, it will cost about 7000 us dollars. That is a lot to me. I will end this post by telling you that I wish there were someway to see you when I fly over… but you would have to be the one to arrange that. I hope that you have been feeling well lately, please take care of yourself.
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5/29/09 – i think I did rather well this time… 5 months without beg ging and pleading for a response from you. Does that mean I’m over you finally? No, I doubt it because every man I know is compared to you, either they are similar this way or different that way… Always in some way , they are held next to you for examination. Have I been kleeping tabs on you? Of course, the best I can but it is hard to find out how you are. I know, I know, it is not my place to worry about you but I do and always will I suppose. You see, a friend of mine just died.. and a friend of Schonas also passed away a month ago. Life is so fragile, truly small and easily broken, it makes me wonder how I made it through these last few years. It’s been hard without you. You know what I find most difficult? The not knowing… The “what ifs” and “I wonders”. I wish I could just check on you every now and then. See you smile and know that you are ok.
I don’t ache as must anymore to see you or hear your voice. I finally threw away the scrap of paper I had with your phone number on it, so I will never call you agian unless you ask me to. The hair on the underside of my head neatly blends in with the remainder of my hair now. And I gave away “your” necklace at Dragon Fest last year. All in attempts to ease this loss I feel for you. You stupid european man, how can I let you keep me like this, panting after you and waiting for a single word. Fuck you…
I guess I’ve tried to fill that ache with other men… other things. I’ll write more about that as I have time. I am earnestly looking for a better job now. I have an interview on Monday with an accounting firm. I am refinancing my house so that the payment is as low as possible. And I am deligently working on paying off my debts which are mostly from medical and from buying that other rental property. Speaking of houses, I hope you were able to get your home built and that you are comfortable there. I know you will be happier being around others that also have a passion for art.
Marcel… mmm how I love to say your name :) ! Ik hou van ja mijn maan. Please forgive me someday.
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6/26/09 – Yes, it is Joshua and my annivesary. Yeah! :( no, not really a good thing. I just wanted you to know that today, of all days… I am still thinking of you. Ik hou van ja.
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September 11, 2008 at 8:07 pm
And now this is no longer private.