When I started, there were a lot of promises made. It appears you are already treating your commitments to Holly with more respect than with me and that hurts. Things like working from home and a reasonable pay scale. In your defense… I screwed up a few times over the last three years, and they were HUGE screw ups. Big! I violated the sanctuary of your home by having an online affair and used my time at work to carry it out. For this, I will pay for years to come. That this happened on your time is unforgivable, both to me and possibly to you. That you allowed me to stay is a testament to the type of people you are. That said… I have worked hard for you as well. I have done everything you ever asked me to do and more. I never charged you more than what was expected, and if I screwed off at work, I made up for it on my own time later. I never fudged my hours, or my miles, I never took anything from your house, not office supplies… nothing. I could have performed so much better and I regret that I didn’t but I was told when I started that I would get reviews and raises and bonuses…

1 review
1 raise
$747.00 in bonuses (and I had to not be able to pay for my meds before I got $300.00)
Over 2.75 years…

Even if I average that amount that’s $249 per year. Fine, you said that was like my raise. That means I got a whole whopping $0.17 extra an hour over that last nearly 3 years.

Lori, I helped you and Mike run your business… nearly every part of it, and I feel like I was not compensated well for it. I watched as you took family trips every month, as I struggled to be able to take one trip a year.. if I was lucky and nothing happened to wipe our savings. That hurt… And I watched as you had improvements done to your house and I would think to myself “Wow… the amount of money they just spent would pay my mortgage for ¾ of a year….” I was resentful, and when it came to push or shove, I wasn’t willing after a while to go that extra mile for you guys. Why would I? It wouldn’t matter anyways because I wouldn’t get recognized financially for it. And that’s why I was here ultimately, bottom line, it was for a paycheck. You say “Perform” and I have all year long for you. As my depression lifted and I could see more clearly I told myself I would try, I would put my head down and work hard for you guys and see if you would give me a raise. But still nothing. I have watched as you allow tenants to walk all over you, destroying your homes and not paying their rent, while I worked, seemingly against your wish at times, to try to collect for you. How could you allow those people to live for free, and cost you money and yet not appreciate the one other person who was here to make that stop?

And so here we are… I started looking. And when you found out, you jumped at the chance to be rid of me for whatever reasons. I need you to understand that I did NOT put in a notice. I was amazed at how quickly you hired someone… (what was it? 48 hours?) and at a higher pay rate than me… and Lori, she knows less than I do. I am not bragging, it is the truth that she is not as knowledgeable as me and you and I and SHE knows it. You could have offered me more, tried to keep me but you didn’t and that really tells me exactly how valued I was to you regardless of my flaws. Tell me, why would I want to bend over backwards for someone who said over and over that they couldn’t afford to pay me more and then took off to Aspen for the weekend? Do you realize the amount of money you spend in one trip is enough to buy my groceries, pay my car payment and gas… for a month? I never expected to get rich working for someone else, but did you have to be so short pocketed with me? I know that is what you guys are about as far as business goes, getting the best bang for your buck BUT I HELPED YOU RUN YOUR BUSINESS! I helped make your life easier, at least I hoped I did.. most times… Sigh…

I guess it doesn’t matter now but just please, in the future, treat Holly like she is worth something to you and your business. She seems really nice and smart and I think she will do great for you guys if you take care of her too.

I’m sorry this has been such a disaster.


(PS – I’ll write it here but not send it… I don’t want to burn bridges…)


I think it has been… ummmm, at least 2 full months without medications?? Maybe longer. So just a quick report to see where I am at:

Counting backwards? Check!
ABC’s backwards? Well…. Close but who can do that anyways!
Crying spells? VERY minimal and then only right about a week before my period (yes, I track them! I was curious to see if there is a pattern and there is. )
Fits of rage? 1 … only 1 and it was more like a “fly off the handle” episode; very different than what I used to experience. Before, I could feel the uncontrolled red hot pain knife through my entire body and I could not control it. Afterwards, there would always be a come-down, and then the depression would dig deeply at me for a few days or longer. It was truly like a carnival ride, huge peaks, and evenly bigger drops. This one was short lived… like a cake walk in comparison. I got mad, and I got over it. Done, end of story. So really, I feel like I’ve been doing EXTREMELY well considering everything, especially considering everything.

Let me fill you in on the latest episode of “As the Dirt Spins…” To bring you up to speed, I have been looking for a job. I applied for a few positions through a temp agency and even though I asked them to NOT contact my current employer… they did. So my boss asks me if there is something we should talk about and I tell her I’ve been searching for either another part time job for extra cash or if the right job comes along, something full time. Well… she spooked and hired someone to replace me the next day. YEAH FOR ME! So I’ve been training my replacement all this week… The kicker being that I never actually put in a notice… and never had any real offers for a position! So it’s been a teeny tiny itty bit uncomfortable around the office these few weeks. I have been interviewing and yesterday I received an offer for a full time position to start in July 20th, under the circumstances, of course I accepted but I really have my eye on a position that I do a second interview for tomorrow. It’s with a non-profit doing EXACTLY what I have been doing over the last 2 and half years. Say pay rate, more hours but still not a full 40 hours (which is fine really, I just want more hours than I have been getting, which is about 25 a week and some frigging paid holidays!) So anywho, I will try to wow um at the second interview tomorrow. EVERYONE, think good thoughts for me!

To add just a bit more madness to my world, my Husbands ex wife asked to move my step daughter to the West coast at the end of July. Joshua asked me what I thought and I told him he had to make that decision all alone, even though I wanted to jump up and down and scream “Are to fucking nuts??!?! It’s your daughter you ass, don’t let her go like that! Grow some balls and so NO!” But I digress, I didn’t rant or nag. I only smiled and shook my head saying, “You are her father, and you have to decide what’s right.” My daughters Mother called a few nights ago and asked him if he had made a decision and… He told her No.. No, he was not willing to let Syd go. He told her that he wanted desperately to be there for every part of Syd’s life and that if she moved, he would then become the “Holiday and Summer Dad” a role he was not willing to play. I could have almost kissed him! Almost… sigh. But I am very grateful that he chose to make Syd stay and that he wanted to be part of her life. So you see, it’s been a roller coaster.

The only thing that hasn’t been crazy is my sex life. But that’s material for another post sometime soon. PID

30's Pinup

I’ll just come right out and say it… My marriage is a piece of shit, a scam, a farce, etc. ad nausea. We all know this.. everyone but my husband.

I sat there having my cherished Friday coffee, watching the dogs and the kids roll around in the grass, sipping carefully and staring out at the pavement already reflecting the days heat. I mused to myself, “What stupid idiot of a person can’t tell when another human being instantly shrinks from personal existance when they walk into a room, that they can’t stand to be around them?” I know I am not that good of an actress, as much as I “hmm” and “haaa” around, he has to be one blind fool to not see what is so plainly written on the wall.

Hell, I guess I need to splash it up with some vivid neon colors to make it real obvious! Something along the lines of  (ring, ring… “Um Hello?… ” hubby’s voice saying “Happy Anniversary!” Wifeys voice saying “I’m sleeping, do you mind?” Hubbbys disappointed voice “Oh, well I forgot to tell you before I left this morning…” Wifeys voice “Ok, I’ll see you tonight… ” Bright enough for you?Clear as a fucking whistle!

Perhaps it needs some special sounds, a ding or two to really alert him and everyone else in the vicinity…

Ring, ring … eye roll… push button that stops the sound…Ding dong… voice message.. sigh as I sip more coffee….

Ring, ring…  killer eye roll again (I should watch that, my mom always told me I’d get stuck like that someday) Wifeys voice “Is someone dead?” Hubby’s voice “Um… no? I was calling…” Wifeys voice “You know I’m having coffee… ” Hubbys voice “I just wanted to ask you… ” Wifeys voice “Just text it to me, you are breaking up..”  *** click!*** Slow evil smile spreads on wifeys lips.

You see! All types of dings and whistle and bonks and beeps! Its like a Willy Wonka CANDY FACTORY! How, tell me… How the hell can someone ignore that?

I know, I know… You will all ask, “Why then are you still with him? If you hate him so much? If he drizes you to the point of being cruel… Why the hell are you still with him?”

 Because, I’m scared.

1) I’m scared of not being able to pay the bills.  Luckily, I had another company that I interviewed with yesterday and I REALLY like them :) I still havn’t heard from the company I did a “working” interview with but I did get a second interview with these other people I met yesterday. One fear almost down!

2) I am afraid to hurt the kids… Blah, blah…. Everyone always says “the kids are worse off in an environment where the parents are unhappy” Well, everyone! I’m wishy washy, who says I’ll be happier alone. For that matter, who says my kids aren’t oblivious to the whole thing? Hubby and I don’t argue around them, we aren’t  “throw things around and scream” kinda people. Let me diverge a moment here…

Recently, at the wedding of my cousins, I was feeling rather… ummm… disapppointed with my own marriage. I walked out to the car to have a good cry by myself and my son thought it would be a good thing to follow me. With such a serious look, he says “Do you need to talk about it or do you just want a hug?” and then he sits quietly beside me and waits for my answer. (BTW, I have to say… what an outstanding, incredible person he is! I am amazed daily that I have raised this child to be somewhat who he is!) He’s old enough, and I have always tried to be open with him so I say “You know, I’m just sad because I see how happy J and D are, it makes me upset because Josh and I fight and we aren’t very happy most of the time…. and yes please, a hug would be good (insert soggy smile here).” He hugs me and says “We aren’t gonna have to move Syd and Josh out are we?  That sucked before…” (reminder for those tuning in late, I started writing this blog after  Josh and I moved back in together, I started writing here because he was reading my paper journal and I needed a place to “dump”. I figured, if my privacy was gonna be invaded, it might as well be publically invaded!) I turned to my son and said “Honey, I don’t really know what will happen, I wish I knew.”

This one comment from Dryden was enough that I stopped in my tracks. I have to ask myself what will be best for him and for Syd. Are they going to be better off if we divorce? The selfish part of me says they don’t really get a choice in this matter, that it is up to both Joshua and I individually to make the decision to stay together. As you can guess, that comment from my son did not help me feel any better about the direction this is all going. But lets get back on track now…

3) I’m afraid of the hate that will be directed at me from those that I will hurt because of leaving… No, all the counseling in the world didn’t change that… the guilty feelings of being responsible for everyone elses happiness. And I mean EVERYONES  happiness.. Josh’s included. His mom’s. Sydney’s. Our mutual friends, our extended family.

4) I’m concerned about how uncomfortable things will be. Yes, “Christian Springs” has a rather large population and covers more area than Denver, but it is a small world here, especially with the types of people that I gravitate towards.The neo-urban hippy crowd, the down-towners, the tree-hugging eco-yuppies. This community of people are close knit and I have very few friends that are divorced, strange in todays age I know. I know one person, ONE!, who is divorced, every one else is having kids right now… Well I guess I’ll have to be trendy and be the first!  Give um all a few years with dirty diapers and screaming fits, lets see how long they can all hold it together!

Really, I wish them all the best, I do! It’s just hard to be optimistic when you feel so TRAPPED! Trapped by your own fears, trapped by the shear oblivion of the one person who should know you best. A friend of mine has a little quote on her profile that says “One should not marry the one whom they can live with, but instead, marry the one whom you cannot live without.” Every time I think of that quote, I die a little more inside, I wither and recess and shrink further down, knowing that I avoid the eventual day of my antiversary… The day that I am finally divorced.

Happy 4th Anniversary Sweety Honey pie!

Got Divorce??

I had a man ask me about BDSM And here’s what we spoke about.

Me: Sooo… what do you think of BDSM?

Him: I’ve never done anything like that before. Not sure if I’d like it or not.

This may sound stupid, but I’ve always wondered.  Is there any sex involved?  I mean, it seems like it’s all role play..submission/domination, but do you ever get to have sex?  Or is the role play the whole turn-on?
Me: Well… I guess it depends on who is doing the playing, if there is sex or not. In a way, it is all foreplay. Some Dommes (female dominants) will not have sex, some will. Most male Doms have sex with their submissives. Professionals usually don’t for obvious reasons, when there is payment for “services”, its too easy to call it prostitution.
In a regular session, when its just for fun, then alot of times, yes there is sex. There are all types of play, from very mild (tieing wrists to a head board with silky scarves) to extremely hardcore (body suspension, CBT (cock and ball torture) and blood play (with needles, knives etc.). I fall much closer to mild when all is said and done. I like to tease and deny, restrain people, use toys, and some spanking with equipment. And yes, I enjoy mixing in sex as well because its a turn on… with the right person anyways. If I’m spanking some fat, old, smelly guy… it doesn’t do anything for me so I’m not going to want to fuck. If I have some hot, hard man on his knees, hands tied behind his back, then I’m more likely to want to fuck him.
Most of the guys who want to be “topped” by a woman are in positions of great power at work and home. Imagine how it feels to get tipsy… a person is able to let go and relax when they’ve had something to drink. Well, with these “high power” men, they do not get the opportunity to “let go”, its almost as if they can’t do it, so they need, or crave is a better word, they crave to be “made” to let go, to be “forced” to give up control. Thus, a Dominatrix fills that need. In those cases, it is generally not about sex… but keep in mind that pain and pleasure both release similar endorphins. Each person is unique in the amount of pain (or pleasure) they need to get “high”. In the end, BDSM is more about the chemical release than the physical release if that makes sense.
and remember…. there are no stupid questions :) lol
Him: Wow. That’s probably the best description I”ve ever heard of it. Makes it very clear for someone who has no clue. Thanks.

Tomorrow is “the day”. The day when I work for a day at a cpa firm that I’ve been interviewing with. I’m very excited, and I mean VERY excited. I want this job, I need this job…. this job will let me break away, its been too long in coming. I’m finally NOT so scared, so paralized. I can move now, my arms are no longer ridged by my side, unable to swing freely, no longer glued down and held in place. I feel like I can “Wiggle” if you know what I mean.

I have had two previous interviews and today you get to hear about all my fears and concerns and hopes surrounding this job…

So the position is with a CPA firm and if you know anything about CPA’s it that they are anal… passionately, obsessively anal… about everything. Oh and lets not forget that they are right… always! I would be the assistant for the owner of the company, the head CPA if you will. I had lunch with the man, he was intense the entire time. So what does that mean to me? That the man will be hard to please, that I will not be able to figure out what he wants quickly enough. It means I will be working with someone that is a worse perfectionist than I am! Scary huh?

Tomorrow is a working interview, which means I will be there all day. I can guarantee I’ll end up with a head ache that would stop an elephant. I always do when I am under intense pressure.

I’ll just have to find someone to beat the shit out of! :) Hahaha…. 

So what are the benefits of this position? Room for advancement, better pay and actuall, for reallly true BENEFITS!  I’ll have medical dental and vision for the first time in a few years… Just to let you know… we spent nearly $32,000.00 in medical over the last two years… Two broken arms, One gal bladder surgery, countless hours of therapy (which so obviously helped! sigh… ) a huge chiropratic bill.


Wish me luck!

Should I,  would I with your spouse? Could I, will I in your house?

I have thought long and hard about this… and still I am unsure if I want to Dom for money. Tell me, would you pay me to beat the shit out of you ( oh and then you’d have to clean it up, what do I look like, your maid)?

Be FUCKING BRUTALLY honest people. I asked for it.

Cute but oh so mean~

Cute but oh so mean~


Stay Back, I bite!

Stay Back, I bite!