This last weekend was VERY busy, packed with wonderful experiences and nessecary evils.

On Friday evening, Joshua, Dryden and I went to see a pagan folk singer perform at one of our local Spiritual Centers. Normally, I need a little time to warm up to a new singer or band,  many times I just don;t really get into it until I’ve heard them a few times. But S J Tucker ( http://www.skinnywhitechick.com/ ) was wonderful, so vibrant and alive and personable. A pagan folk singer/songwriter, she writes about everything but I am partial to her pagan songs of course. What made things even better was the fire dancing she and her boyfreind did after the show. I have only seldom seen actual fire dancing, mostly on TV (think Hawiian men dancing around with fire) Mainly my experience was in watching people swing glow sticks around at the ends of ropes. But this was very moving to me. Here’s a short clip with SJ Tuckers song “Firebird” in the background.

On Saturday, we drove up to Denver and here is the very positive difference… I didn’t tear up, I didn’t ache deep in my stomach as we drove by the exit to the airport, I breathed in and my lungs worked just fine. I was human and settled, calm and collected.

We saw my neice, (the one who’s grandmother is crazy, see previous post) she just turned one year old and is well loved by all around her. After a nice lunch and a long walk, it was time for her nap and time for us to meet some other family also in the Denver area. And here is where the self therapy continues… We met my cousin and his fiance at the 16th Street Mall, where Mrcel and I spent a whole evening walking around. And again… I didn’t cry or ache inside.. instead I laughed and joked with my family, we talked and caught up on all the years that seem to wedge their way inbetween our visits. Even though I was comfortable being at the mall again, I was aware at every turn, it just didn’t send knifes through me as it has before, those feelings have started to ease. But my devious little mind decided that I should push myself, test myself, make myself relive one more scenario in order to more fully “over-write” my memories.

We had all previously decided to have dinner together, my cousin, his fiance, myself, Joshua, Dryden and Sydney. And so when the question came up of where… I raved about the restaurant that Marcel and I had gone to… the one that my husband had built all those years before. Everyone said that sounded great so I called and had us placed on the waiting list. When we got there, the same jazz band was playing, the same atmosphere, and the memories popped up but I shoved them away… At the door where Marcel and I had stood, me leaning back into his chest, instead I turned to Joshua and put my arms around him and kissed him. With my other hand I waved the kids inside and just stood there with my husband, trying to fill my mind with him and only him. We stayed like that for a minute or two, him making a face at me and me smiling up at him anyways. Then we went inside and ordered drinks while we waited.

The dinner was so much fun, it was alive and “right”. The kids made it their mission to entertain us all with silly jokes and stories. We spent more time talking about the past and the future and all the time inbetween and when it was time to leave, it was with a different feeling of being “filled up with love” than before. It was with a feeling of love and friendship with my family… not a scared, sick feeling that someone might have seen me, not a feeling of being crushed under the weight of something that wouldn’t allow me to breathe. Was it as “massive” in it’s invasion of my senses?

Not even close, but it was soft and sweet and I could move with grace and surety through it.