Taos… the terrain is so strange yet familiar to my senses, like Colorado but different, a pair of siblings, close in feature but with subtle variances. A tilt of the land, it’s angle slightly askew from that which I register at home. The color of it’s face less ruddy, more scarred with black rock and skree. The people… are just people, no different than anywhere else.

I recognized the plants, what to eat and use for illness… and what to secretly gather  if I wanted to harm someone quietly. I tasted the same smells in my mouth as those at home. This place was a friendly neighbors home, just down the street and when you leave, you have only a small stroll to get to your own home, comfortable and familiar with the surroundings.

And for all it’s sameness, I was reminded at nearly ever turn of the last time I spent a stretch away from work and home, hidden in plain sight from the world.

We ate and drank and watched people, a certain walk of a man scratching the surface of my brain, a small twinge that said I still remember him. I drank white wine, a Reisling here or Zinvandel there, sinking further into the sleep walk of memories… He urged me to enjoy the wine, not just drink it. As the sips slide down my throat and reach my stomach, the sensation of warmth spreading along my limbs reminds me of his touch and I see us walking arm and arm, looking for a nice bottle to share in our lovemaking and our bed that evening. I remember laying on our stomachs, nude and cooling our bodies, our heads facing the bottom of the bed, my reading from a dutch translation book, searching for ways to turn ordinary words into naughty phrases, and him… laughing and smiling and teaching me the right way to ask for all the things I wanted him to do to me. There are no glasses and so I slip a skirt and light tank top on. On bare feet decorated in beads and a toe ring, I walk unashamed in my obvious wanton seductiveness, swaying my hips, bragging with each step that I am making the man that waits for me very happy indeed. Securing the two glasses, I float back to the room… I stop the memory, it is painful and I am here with my Husband now.

Joshua and I walk around, his presence clinging to my side and I feel sticky and uncomfortable, maybe it is the weather… or maybe not. His hand squeezing mine, too tight, his sense of fear shoots through my fingers with each step, like he is hanging on for dear life, knowing that to let go means I might make for a not so clean escape. 

In another place, it’s cool inside and so we stop to rest, the sun at high altitude brow beats everyone in it’s path.  It is a strong master, herding us small beings into shadows and dark crevices… just exactly the places I avoid most times. They hold too many memories that I would rather keep hidden.

The lounge is full and soon the heat is no better inside than outside, and I drink, wanting to smile and laugh, needing the lubrication to ease any lingering friction between Joshua and I…. but I am sucked in again at the sight of a broad chested man, bald… his eyes intense. FUCK! Stop invading my every moment! I find myself looking again and again, and the man notices, each glance of mine countered by one of his own. And the months fly away again, so easy now that my mind is loose. The button up shirt, the rolled up sleeves, untucked, daring me the reach under and touch his stomach and chest. The jeans… a casual faded blue, seeming so relaxed but caging the passion held tight against his zipper, just below the belt line. The type of pants just right for leaning my ass up against.

I fight it and I tell Joshua, “Let’s go check out some other places”. He swallows the last of his beer and nods in the direction of the door, indicating that he will follow me. Passing under the adobe archway leading to the courtyard, my heart drops a little into my stomach but I push on and finally break into the now cooler night air. Great big gulps of air and the breeze on my skin settles my nerves. 

Another bar, and we see a band setting up to play live music soon. AND MOTHER FUCK!!! still my mind is restless and will give me no peace… I watch the play of muscle as the speakers are lifted onto each other, the microphones, and the guitars…. Ah, the guitars are the worse. He played music to me, by webcam, I watched and listened to him play while I filed paperwork or typed out contracts. Why each movement of his fingers facinated me is still a mystery, pressing just enough in one spot to make the string sing and then moving on to another position… ( I’ve always yearned for the musician, my older brothers friends fueled the adolesent fire of this young girl.) 

I fake fatigue and beg to be taken back to our room, I can’t handle anymore reminders tonight.

The trip was not all drinking and mind games… we rafted down the Rio Grande Rapids as well and a spark of hope kindled inside me when Joshua was knocked out of the raft over the second set of rapids. LAUGH, no! Not that I wanted him hurt! …  But that he might be hurt and my only concern was to get to him, make sure he was safe, the tremors of fear a welcome sign that I still cared. Appreciation for the fact that my immeadiate reaction was to paddle as hard as I could to catch up to him, to reach out and hook the back of his life jacket with the T-handle of my paddle and drag his river soaked ass back into the raft. The hope still lives deep inside somewhere.

And we trekked through the forest the following day, and I reveled in the fact that the guide, Joshua and I were the only ones capable, out of 14 adults, of pitching a tarp cover when the rain started to threaten our lunch in the trees. We worked in perfect tandem, little needing to be said as one or another of us stretched the tarp, attached a rope, secured the plastic roof without disturbing the local flora. And even though I have never handled a Llama before… being quite comfortable with the lead roll as trainer for an as yet untried young beast. By the end of the trip, he needed no direction, he watched me and did as I wanted. He was a beautiful animal, and no, he didn;t spit on me or any one else for that matter. 

In the end, it was a nice trip, fun and enjoyable, I am sore in the body today and satisfied with my first attempts to explore New Mexico. Maybe someday the memories from this trip will be potent as those from September of last year.